Grief and Secondary Losses

Have you ever thrown a pebble into a lake and watched its impact? As it sinks to the bottom, ripples form, radiating outwards. That one pebble creates waves that reach far beyond its initial drop into the water. Loss and grief often have that same ripple effect, as it disrupts many areas of life and creates what we call secondary losses.

Secondary losses are the additional effects of a primary loss. When we experience grief, these secondary losses can blindside us. We may expect to mourn the death of our loved one, but the way that grief expands—touching every aspect of life—can be unexpected and overwhelming. Our hopes and dreams for the future crumble, leaving us to process a future that no longer resembles what we once envisioned.

One common secondary loss involves our relationships. After losing our loved one, friends and family may unintentionally distance themselves. They may feel uncomfortable with our prolonged sadness or believe we should be “moving on” by now. Sadly, the very people we expected to lean on might not be there for us in the way we need them most. Their absence adds another layer of loss to our grief. Relationships that seemed strong before can fracture, and we may find ourselves navigating grief alone.

A particularly heartbreaking example of secondary loss I hear all to often occurs when parents who have lost a child also lose contact with their grandchildren. Sometimes, after the death of a child, the surviving spouse or partner may distance themselves from their in-laws, resulting in the grandparents losing touch with their grandchildren. For these grandparents, the agony of losing their own child is compounded by the loss of their precious connection with the next generation. The family dynamics shift, and they may feel helpless as their relationships dissolve.

Secondary losses are difficult to bear, but they’re an undeniable part of the grief journey. They force us to face new challenges while we’re still coping with the primary loss. However, in the midst of this pain, we can still find hope. Relying on our faith during these difficult times can offer strength and comfort, helping us navigate the waves of grief. With time, healing may come, even for those secondary losses. Though they leave their mark, we can trust that with our faith in God, some of the broken pieces can be mended, bringing peace in the midst of heartache.