Christmas: A Mixed Bag of Emotions

This year marks my 5th Christmas without my daughter, Melanie. As time goes by, I’ve come to understand that grief and Christmas are a mixed bag of emotions.  

You would think that despite the passage of time our emotions accompanying grief would dissipate. I will admit, the intensity of them does lessen. Yet, they are always there, simmering just underneath the surface like the hot, red lava that bubbles up after a volcanic explosion.

While I am grateful that with time, my emotions are not of the tsunami caliber, it still catches me by surprise when I begin to feel the familiar weight and heaviness in my chest. It takes only a moment for me to recognize what it is. Grief has come knocking on the door to my heart once again.

Time can be ruthless. It never stands still, and with every tick of the clock and the turn of the calendar page, it’s like Groundhog Day all over again. Intellectually, I know that grief never ends, and I know that with each passing day, I’m actually closer to seeing Melanie again. My faith in God is what sustains me and gets me through this journey. Yet, that doesn’t bring an end to these feelings of grief once and for all. Grief is not linear, and I have accepted this as the way it will always be in my life. Some days, it still takes me by surprise.

As I prepare for our extended family to gather over the next few days, I’m already thinking back to our last Christmas together. All the memories resurface of times past and all that she won’t get to participate in.

When we are feeling this way, what can we do? I’m going to take a moment to sit with my grief, recalling Christmases past – the laughter, the joy, the chaotic shaking, and the opening of presents. Melanie always counted how many presents she and her brother received. I learned early on they had to have an equal amount, or there would be an uprising. I made Melanie a Blanket of Love for our last Christmas together. Tonight, I will wrap myself in it as I enjoy a cup of Sleepytime Tea, which we loved doing together.

The above photo is the last one I have of us together. Melanie was famous for her selfies and as we snuggled on the couch on Christmas Eve she spontaneously asked me to look up and smile. This has become one of my favorite photos of us.

Yes, grief and Christmas are a mixed bag of emotions. Grief is messy, and that’s OK. If you’re feeling like me today, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Instead of ignoring them or pretending they don’t exist, take a moment (or two) to remember when grief didn’t exist in your life. Remember the joyful, happy times you shared. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been; we will always miss our children, parents, and loved ones. Wishing each of you a gentle, peaceful Christmas. May you remember the love more than loss ~ Pat