The Great Disappearance of Friends

I love my friends. Some of them are so much more than friends – they’re family. Sisters of the Heart. I would be lost without them. When I think back to when Melanie first ran ahead to Heaven, some friends immediately rushed to my side. I will never forget them, nor the care they provided to me and my family. At the time, I didn’t focus on who wasn’t around, but as time went by, I began to realize I didn’t hear much from some people whom I thought I was close to. As time passed, it became apparent that I was experiencing the great disappearance of friends, which, I came to find out, is quite common after loss.

Have any of you experienced this as well? Some friends will always be there for you, but others won’t. It doesn’t necessarily have much to do with how they feel about you or whether they are ‘real friends’ or not. It has much more to do with them than you. 

Loss and the actual word – DEATH – is terrifying for some people. They fear what happened to you will happen to them and their loved ones. People don’t even really want to think about death, let alone talk about it very much. Your experience can be so frightening that it will activate something deep within them they weren’t even aware was there.

It took me a while to come to understand this, and I soon realized that my friends great disappearance had little to do with me. I had to realize they had no idea what I was going through, and I had to remove any expectations I may have had of them. Walking in forgiveness and compassion became more real to me during this time.

As hard as it may be, it’s unrealistic and unfair of us to imagine that the people closest to us will somehow move beyond their deepest, darkest fears and be there for us. As you’ve been walking through your grief journey, was there a time when you wished you could just ignore it all? Walk far away from the deep, dark pain of everything? There were days I wanted this to be someone else’s life and not mine.

While it may feel isolating and lonely when we experience the great disappearance of friends, it may help to know that you don’t want everyone seeing you at your lowest and most vulnerable place. You might not want everyone to see your suffering and pain.

I’m grateful for the small, intimate group I have had to walk with me through Melanie’s death. They have gently and carefully held my heart in their hands. They have prayerfully lifted me up and covered me with the precious love of Jesus. It’s because of their love and support, and God’s grace, strength, and mercy that I’m able to stand alongside you all today.