In the Waiting

Although I probably won’t have the opportunity to meet most of you personally, we are still very much connected by one thing – loss. Our hearts are joined by being on this journey together. If you are in the early days of your grief, I’m sure you have a lot of questions, such as: Will this intense pain ever stop? As hard as it may be to imagine, it’s in the waiting where our strength and hope are found. 

Even though I’m no longer in that bone-crushing stage, I will never forget how I felt during that time. During those days I sat on my back deck with my heart palpitating out of my chest. I was numb and in total disbelief that my daughter had died. I clearly remember the hours of not being able to stop crying and replaying that day over and over in my mind. 

It was during this time, over many months and months, that my heart was broken and mended over and over again. Someone told me there were five stages to grief, but it seemed as if I kept going back and forth, but not forward. I kept waiting for the layer of bricks on my chest to ease. Waiting for my mind to rest and not replay the worst day in my life. Waiting to be able to sleep peacefully again. Waiting for the fear to stop every time my husband walked out the door and prayed, he would return safely. Pleading with God to remove the anxiety that suddenly plagued my days.

Yet, now when I look back on those really, really hard days, I was at an in-between stage. I can see it was when I was in the waiting for all those things to stop, that my walk with God grew closer than ever before. My reliance and dependence on Him and drawing on my faith is what got me through. How is it that it’s during the crisis of life when you are transformed the most? 

Waiting often hurts and is exhausting. During the waiting, we may feel as if God has abandoned us. But then, one day, we realize it was in the waiting that God was working within and for us.

While people might be impressed with your strengths, they will be moved by your weaknesses. Your weakness becomes more apparent in the waiting. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable and transparent, your heart connections with others will be found there.

It’s in the waiting, when I am weakest that God shows himself to be strong. He reminds me of His faithfulness, and as brutal as this road is, He reminds me that He is never far from me. I am not alone on this winding road, and neither are you.