Grief During the Holidays: When Everyone Else Seems Happy

There is something about the holiday season that can make everyone else’s happiness seem a little louder. Holiday grief can make us especially aware of what or who is missing when it seems as though everyone around us is celebrating.

Calendars fill with parties and gatherings. People talk excitedly about who is coming home, what they’re planning for Thanksgiving, where they’ll spend Christmas, and all the traditions they’re looking forward to.

And when you are grieving, it can sometimes feel as though you are watching all of it from the outside. You may be happy for them. You may genuinely love seeing other families together. And at the very same time, something inside you may ache.

Because their togetherness can remind you of your absence.

I think this is one of those parts of grief we don't always feel comfortable admitting.

We don't want to sound bitter. We don't want anyone to think we aren't grateful for the people still in our lives. And we certainly don't want someone else to experience loss simply because we have. But sometimes seeing what someone else still has reminds us of what we no longer do...

The mother with all her children gathered around the table. The couple growing old together. The family taking another Christmas photograph with everyone accounted for. The phone call someone receives from the person you would give anything to hear from again. These moments can catch us off guard.

And social media can magnify it all. During the holidays especially, we are surrounded by snapshots of smiling families, beautifully decorated homes, celebrations, vacations, engagements, grandchildren, and seemingly perfect moments.

Of course, we know a photograph never tells the whole story. Every family has struggles we cannot see. Every life carries something. But grief doesn't always respond to what we know intellectually.

Sometimes our heart simply whispers, I wish I still had that too. There is no shame in that.

For me, there are still moments when I see a mother with her adult daughter and wonder what life with Melanie would look like today. What would we be doing together? What would our conversations sound like? What would our family gatherings look like if she were still sitting among us?

Those thoughts don't mean I begrudge another mother the gift of having her daughter beside her. Quite the opposite. Loss has made me recognize even more clearly how precious that gift is. But recognizing someone else's blessing can sometimes illuminate our own loss.

If you experience that this holiday season, please don't judge yourself for it. You can celebrate someone else's joy and still feel your own sorrow. You can be thankful for the people surrounding you and still desperately miss the one who isn't. You can enjoy an evening and then cry on the drive home.

Grief has never required our emotions to arrive one at a time.

So, when everyone else seems happy, remember that you are seeing only a small piece of their story. And when their happiness touches something tender in yours, give yourself grace.

You don't have to compare your holiday with anyone else's. You don't have to manufacture excitement because the world tells you this is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.” Your heart is allowed to experience this season exactly where it is.

And perhaps one of the kindest things we can do, for ourselves and for one another, is remember that behind every holiday photograph is a story we cannot fully see.

Some are celebrating. Some are missing. And many of us are doing both.

There is room for all of us here.