Experiences Unique to the Griever

Walking the journey of grief is akin to a soldier navigating the trenches of war. My father, a World War II veteran, shared little about his war experiences, but he did recount the need to seek refuge in the trenches. As a griever, I too have felt the urge to hide from the onslaught of sorrow: loss, heartache, loneliness, exhaustion, and anger. Considering that, these are just a few experiences unique to the griever.

1. We can be exhausted yet unable to sleep. This is such a dichotomy. Even after all this time, I still cannot get a full night’s sleep. Exhaustion is a common occurrence after loss. If you do manage to sleep, it’s rather unbelievable that even after sleeping ten hours you can wake up and still be exhausted. Then there are times when you’re so tired you think you could sleep standing up, but when you crawl into bed, your eyes fly open. You’re unable to sleep! This is something only a griever knows.

2. How long grief lasts. Many people think our grief will subside a short time after the funeral. Instead, grief is not something we ever ‘get over’ but instead (eventually) learn how to live our lives around it. Grief doesn’t just end. It remains there like a battle scar after the war you went through.

3. Grief brain and the inability to complete simple tasks. Some people think loss only affects the heart. Scientists have proven that due to the trauma of loss, ‘grief brain’ is real. Our brains do not function as they did before. We no longer remember things as quickly, and what used to be like second nature may take us twice as long to accomplish. This may frustrate our loved ones or even impact our jobs and co-workers.

4. How confusing and complex grief really is. Grief isn’t a simple case of missing your person. With it comes anxiety, confusion, regret, guilt, numbness, loneliness and isolation. There are often secondary losses to consider, such as income loss. If you were married, you are no longer part of a couple, which may change your circle of friends. Sad but true.

These are just a few of the experiences unique to the griever. Since only those who have walked this path can truly comprehend these feelings, we often seek out those who have trodden the same path. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog. I needed to connect with those who understood the unique pain of losing a child. I craved to hear from others about how they managed to navigate this long and arduous road. We all long to be heard and understood in our grief.

If you find yourself grappling with these aspects of grief, know that your experience is valid and part of the natural grieving process. These feelings are ‘normal’ for someone who has lost a loved one. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate these complex and weighty days. Leaning into our faith in God, helps us to remember, we are not alone. Reach out, and know there is someone who understands and is ready to walk alongside you. With His Love & Care, Pat