A Delicate Balance of Life After Loss

It’s been many years since I’ve been to the circus, but I’ve often felt that managing grief is a little like being in the circus. It’s not the fun part with clowns, magicians, circus animals, and cotton candy. No, it’s more like being a tightrope walker. With grief, there is a delicate balance of life after loss.

Do you remember going to the circus as a child? I recall seeing the tightrope walkers positioned high above the ring, with no safety net, holding a long pole in their hands to help balance themselves, as they would begin taking one tentative step after another. Doesn’t that sound a lot like how a griever feels? We get up daily and start taking one cautious step at a time.

I envision even the famous Wallenda’s must have been praying as they cautiously began to move forward, hoping they didn’t misstep. I imagine how they would feel the wire beneath their toes and hope they didn’t go tumbling down headfirst. Yes, this is how the grief journey can be – it’s forever a delicate balance of life after loss.

January leading into February is typically a bit tough for me. With Melanie’s anniversary coming up in less than four weeks, it’s the anticipatory grief that always seems to get me every year. It’s strange because even though I’ve become stronger over the years, this time of year still affects me. It’s foolish of me to think it would be otherwise. Child loss is a loss that is forever. So, there will never be a day I don’t miss my daughter and wish things were different. Never.

Not knowing when that delicate balance will be upended often throws us off. We could be going along in life just fine and think we’ve got this under control – then, here it comes. You’re underwater again.

Oh, but this is all part of the journey. It doesn’t mean we haven’t grown, and it doesn’t mean we aren’t doing well. It’s all part of grief – the good, bad, and ugly days. Don’t be discouraged. Keep pressing forward.

There is definitely a delicate balance to life after loss. Just because we have sad moments or a tough day, and even if we cry and don’t understand why things happen as they do – there can still be life after loss. We need to remind ourselves that it’s okay to have both joy and sorrow. Life is messy that way.

While I’m grateful that my faith in God has upheld me at every turn along this challenging journey– grief lives within us. Every. Single. Day. There is no escaping it, but a tolerance grows within us. It becomes acceptance. 

When we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. Not for our loved ones who are no longer with us. They are doing fine. More than fine! We are the ones who carry the heaviness of grief in our hearts. We are the survivors. We are the rememberers. We grieve because we love, and I would never give up that love.

Although Melanie is not returning, I will grieve with hope, the hope that I will see her again one day. It’s a promise from God that we can tightly hold on to. We can miss them, love them, think of them, and live for them while we are still here. I like to believe Melanie is cheering me on, proud of what I am doing with this life. I can see her beautiful smile and hear her voice encouraging me to keep going. God is undoubtedly making beauty from ashes.